Intimacy and “The Social Network”
by Rev. Murray Speer - October 29, 2010
Currently in the Top 5 films at the movie box office is David Fincher’s The Social Network, the story of the origin of Facebook.com. Jesse Eisenberg plays Mark Zuckerberg, a young computer genius who is an undergraduate at Harvard University. In an opening scene, we watch as he bombs a date with a pretty girl. It becomes obvious that he is socially inept, highly ambitious, and has a grudge against the world.
The story unfolds in the context of two different lawsuits, as we shift back and forth between the two deposition hearings and the stories that are being told there. Zuckerberg continuously displays disdain for other people and their feelings, as well as for community laws and standards. He is convinced that he is superior, and therefore has the right to do what he wants. His actions are motivated by a deep-seated desire to be popular, successful, and accepted.
The problems arise for Mark when he launches the Facebook website as his own creation, when he had earlier been recruited by some upperclassmen to develop a similar site for them. Mark’s partner in the Facebook venture is his only real friend, Eduardo. As the story unfolds and the website expands to include more and more colleges in more and more cities, he gradually edges Eduardo out in favour of people who will stroke his genius and do what he says.
The story of the film is one of tragic failure, as in pursuing popularity and acceptance Zuckerberg betrays his only friend and surrounds himself with coworkers, and women, who are impressed only by his fame and money. The poignant final scene has him, online, requesting that his former college girlfriend become his Facebook “friend”, and repeatedly refreshing the webpage to see if she has accepted his request. The tragedy is that he had the opportunity to have a real relationship with her, but his misogyny and selfish ambition stood in his way. He continuously chooses the path that will, in fact, prevent him from forming true and fulfilling relationships.
In the 1960s, psychiatrist Eric Berne proposed a type of psychoanalysis called “transactional analysis”, or TA. TA breaks all human interactions down into a series of transactions, which take place on three levels. Within us, we each have an inner child, an inner adult, and an inner parent. We have all three, regardless of our age or stage of life. We relate to each other on different levels, but, says Berne, true intimacy is when we can relate on all three levels at once. Speaking from his position as a white middle-class professional in the 1960s, Berne believed that this kind of intimacy is exceedingly rare, and essentially unattainable – so we are all left to approximate it in the best way we can.
I can’t help thinking about Berne and his thoughts on intimacy, when I reflect on the story of Mark Zuckerberg. His misogyny, and his disdain for his “inferiors,” keep him aloof from the people he desperately wants to be in relationship with. He childishly believes that the Facebook project will satisfy his desire for intimacy, but all it does is further alienate him from those who truly care about him. As long as he refuses to relate to anyone from the perspective of his inner child, he will never, ever, find the friendship and love he longs for.
I agree with Berne that this kind of intimacy – relating to another person on every level – seems rare in our culture. And when we are looking at a story like The Social Network, it can indeed seem very difficult to achieve. But I am not convinced that it is as hard as Berne makes it out to be. In fact, I believe that this kind of intimacy is the very definition of the church. When we relate on every level, we are playmate, teacher, student, co-laborer, and companion to another.
To me, this is what Jesus was attempting with his disciples. We don’t have many stories of them being playful with each other (if at all), but particularly in the gospel of John we see the teacher/student roles being reversed. First, in John 11:34, his disciples invite him to “come and see” – words that were previously associated with his own teaching activities. In this moment, then, they become the leaders, and he follows them. Later, in chapter 13, Jesus washes the feet of his disciples, becoming their servant. Peter is highly reluctant to allow this – relating on every level is far too intimate for him. Finally, Jesus gives them the “new commandment”: that they love one another as he has loved them.
Whether we are Christians or not, whether we believe this is the role of the church or not, there is a lesson here for us. Mark Zuckerberg wanted his gifts and efforts to be recognized, but refused to recognize the inherent value of the people around him. Peter was happy to serve the teacher, but refused to be served as a friend. Both of them misunderstood what it truly means to be in relationship. We must be ready to greet others on all levels – those of the inner child, the inner adult, and the inner parent – and to allow them to greet us likewise. Then, and only then, will intimacy flourish. And that, if you ask me, is the key to the kingdom.
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