Originally posted on Facebook - August 15, 2009
There was a point about one third of the way through this movie where I found myself thinking it might not be so bad after all. Yes, the dialogue and the "acting" were atrocious. Yes, there seemed to be no actual global awareness in the script. (Cancer has apparently been cured; this is considered so insignificant next to the military applications of the technology that it becomes a throw-away line.) But the plot itself was shaping up to be reasonably strong.
The movie centers on Marine Special Ops officer "Duke" and his pal "Ripcord". There's never any indication whether these are nicknames or real names, and apparently noone cares. But that's fine. Their unit has responsibility for delivering some new experimental weapons from the developer's manufacturing site to a NATO base. They are ambushed by a third party, commanded by an exotic leather-clad beauty called "The Baroness", who seems to have a history with Duke. The marines are rescued by GI JOE, a top secret international commando unit into which they are quickly inducted.
(Spoilers follow.)
Let's leave aside for a second the two force-fed and under-nourished romantic storylines, and the "acting" of "actors" Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans. The plot so far is interesting, possibly even compelling. Who does Baroness represent? What is the connection between her and Duke? How is her organization related to JOE? Is a massively over-equipped and trigger-happy group of self-obsessed hotshots really a good use of funds? Compelling stuff, if written properly.
Unfortunately, it was not. The answers to these questions are either simplistic and trite, or nonexistent. The first of them was answered before it arose, turning a plot "twist" into a plot "plunk".
But still, if not compelling it was at least interesting. After all, so far we haven't been asked to swallow any preposterous notions. A single development - nanites - allowed for all of the brilliant technologies in the story. Until, that is, they extract a dead man's memories - in visual format - by sticking two knitting needles into his skull.
At that point, the film shifts gear into ludicrous speed.
For instance, the JOES are attempting to prevent the destruction of the Eiffel Tower and the resulting deaths of hundreds of civilians. So they carve a path of destruction through the middle of Paris, causing the deaths of untold dozens of civilians. Okay, you could say that in the balance it would have worked out. But they don't even request the evacuation of the tower. It just doesn't occur to them as they are rampaging through the city streets, delighting in their own skill and power, to f---ing phone it in. So when the tower is destroyed, the hundreds of civilians still die. But at least all of the JOES are okay.
Then they're arrested by French police, and the President of the USA has to make a phone call to get them released. So, we're asked to believe that of the 38 countries that support the GI JOE unit, France is NOT one of them? Is this some bull---t American dig at France that I'm not equipped to understand? Or just sheer idiocy?
Nevertheless, I would be willing to overlook that gaping plot hole. But the hits just keep on coming. Ripcord flies from Moscow to Washington in about six minutes. He says he's flying Mach 6. Mach 6 is approximately 4600 mph. The distance between the two cities is about 4900 miles. In other words, it would take a little over an hour to make that flight. Not six minutes.
Then, the commander of the JOES, General "Hawk", leaves their secret Egyptian base with the entire squadron to attack their enemy who is hiding under the polar ice cap. They arrive minutes later in a submarine. Yes, you heard right. They travelled from Egypt to the North Pole in a matter of minutes. In a submarine.
And the icing on the cake, from the "Is our children learning?" category: the enemy blows up the ice cap while making an escape, and the JOES have to hurry to get out from under the sinking ice before it crushes them. Yes. You heard right. The sinking ice. Why does this ice sink, you ask? Well... um... isn't that what ice does? Like, when you put it in your drink it si-... um...
But boy were there a lot of characters to make action figures out of! And sexy shots of the Baroness and the token woman on the JOE team, "Scarlet", for the teenage boys! And a greater variety of vehicles than you could produce in a single toy line! And explosions! Lots of explosions.
Just not enough to cover the absolute failure of "acting", plot, and storytelling. 4/10
Still, at least it was better than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
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